What is the opposite of chaos? Order. Often times, moms have much of the mental load of running the household; which involves much more than making three meals a day and getting the kids ready for the day. There is a lot of invisible work and the loads just get bigger. I was a mom who was drowning in the loads of laundry, the piles of dishes, while trying to find time to bond fully and presently with my baby and also keep a sense of my own identity so I could show up as a wife when my husband returned home. There were many times where I would ask myself, “Am I even able to be a stay at home mom? Maybe this just is not for me.”

But over time I decided to really jump in and do some serious self growth. When I started to do this, I came upon a few tips that I felt made me happier, MUCH calmer, and able to handle it all without burn out, feeling like I wanted to scream, and also feeling depressed because I felt like I was missing out and missing my former self.

Tip 1: The opposite of chaos is order. You must have a home for every item in your house.

Often times, we feel the need to buy a ton of bins and boxes and get to organizing, just like we see in the endless reels we scroll through. But somehow our house gets more chaotic and that leads to our minds getting even more chaotic. The answer here, YOU DO NOT HAVE AN ORGANIZATION PROBLEM, you have a clutter problem. In order to get a sense of order in your home, you must spend time de-cluttering every single day. But in order to declutter in an effective way, you must also have a home for every single item in your home. Everyone in your home, including your toddlers, children, teens, and/or husbands should know where every items home is. You can do a print and cut of stickers if you need to label the homes of everything, but everyone must be on board for this to work and everyone should also be putting something away if they see someone left it out. Set strict and clear boundaries of where the items go. Discuss it with your family. But the most important thing is to model to your family how to put things in their home so that they can also see without words. This alone will help you. However, if you find yourself having a difficult time with de cluttering and keeping things in their home, you have too much stuff. You will need to purge. In addition, you should set up a budget so that you are not just buying random items, be clear, concise and very discipline with what you purchase for your family. Trust me, you probably do not need it.

Tip 2: Routine is the only way to have time and decrease stress for your whole family.

I am a more natural parent, but the one thing that made my life a lot less chaotic is to have a very specific and clear schedule and routine that my family and I followed every single day. There was no surprises for anyone. We knew what was coming the next day and even within the next hour. I knew way ahead of time when I would get my next break, when I had to do something, so I could not put it off anymore and my husband knew when it was time to take me on a date, I did not have to ask him (we do the 2-2-2 rule). You may think to yourself, but I just don’t have time for a routine or my kids are in a million different places; all the more reason to have one. Ask yourself these questions, -When do I usually go to the grocery store? Ok, then the day before I need to schedule in a time during my day to clear out the fridge and pantry and also make a list of what I need to buy

Tip 3: Decrease your expectations of yourself, your husband, and your children.

This may seem like an obvious tip, but it is the most important tip. When I first became a stay at home mom, I wanted to be the best stay at home mom ever. I began to strive for unreachable and unattainable goals. I finally made peace with the fact that my house was going to look like children and just people in general lived in it. If anyone said anything about my house being messy, I would just be honest, well, people live here and we have a really good time living our life. Your home should be clean, have structure, and organization systems BUT it should also have some dust, uncleaned messes, and a possible junk drawer here and there. When you have toddlers, it is pretty difficult to keep up with it all. Just remember that it will not be perfect and you cannot expect perfection from anyone in your household.

Tip 4: Set limits with your household members.

I cannot tell you how many times I have read a mother on a Facebook group or hearing them out in public saying how they are fine “doing it all” because they are just so grateful that they get to stay home. But then also see them in comments stating how they are so burnt out, resentful, and raging.

So don’t get me wrong, I am so beyond grateful for my hardworking husband that works really hard all day in order to provide for our family so that I can stay home with our kids and raise them, rather than someone else doing the raising. I make show my appreciation through yummy home cooked meals, affection, taking care of myself as much as I can in the day, talking highly of him to our children, sending him pictures throughout the day, and having a fully stocked fridge (amongst other things). However, my husband providing and my children being children does not mean that I am on my own with the household. We are all a part of this family, which means we are all a part of this household. We are one big TEAM. We all have our own personal messes and belongings, which means we all have our own personal responsibilities. In addition, we all live, eat, sleep, dress, etc in this house, which means we are all a team in the upkeeping of our home. Do I do the bulk of deep cleaning and organizing? Absolutely. But my husband knows to pick up after himself, contribute to the care taking of our children, and to contribute where he can. We both are in this together, and if we both clean up together, we both get more relaxation time…together OR to work on our hobbies and passions and this means less resentment. As for my child, whom is only 20 months, I do not do anything for her that she cannot do for herself (I will write a post more on this later). But she throws away her diapers, puts her laundry in the bins, cleans up her toys, does her dishes, among many other things. She loves it! She feels like a respected and contributing member to our home.

This rule is important. You must determine what you can handle and what you need to give to others. You cannot do it all alone.

Tip 5: Take breaks away from your family.

This is so vital to keeping the overwhelm down. You must still have an identity outside of mom and wife. You must have hobbies, friendships, drives alone, time to get ready, and time to clean up the house without anyone else. I take a full break once a week by myself. I spend the entire morning with my daughter but then she has a fun day with her grandparents while I go to counseling for my postpartum depression (which is almost 100% better). I then spend time working on a craft or something creative, which is my favorite hobby. After that, I spend time getting organized and cleaning up. My daughter is home by dinner time and I had a full 5-6 hour break. This is vital, if you do not take a weekly break, you will become overwhelmed, resentful, angry, depressed, or the mom you do not want to be. It takes a village and that is okay. You are still a super mom. If you do not have a trusted family member to watch your child, I recommend finding a babysitter once a week. If you are having postpartum anxiety and you are not ready to have someone else watch your baby, I recommend having a loved one or nanny come 1-2 times a week to watch your child so you can rest and do some of the things I listed about. Find your hobbies.

Tip 6: Find your tribe. Go to mommy and me classes, call up friends with kids, have play dates. It is important to have a community of women to empower you and keep you grounded.

I hear so many women say they feel so alone in motherhood. I believe women start to feel so alone because so many of the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and experiences they are having seem crazy and they believe no other mom has them. This can also be from a lot of social media, making women have expectations for themselves that are not sustainable. I recommend spending time with other moms who are in fact very similar to you. Once I started spending time with my friends that had toddlers my age, I started to feel like I had my tribe and a place away from home that felt like home, which was in the presence of other women who were on the same journey as I was.

Tip 7: Tell yourself, there is always tomorrow. Give yourself grace.

If you are trying so hard to clean up the million messes but you are just exhausted and desperate to rest, then rest. You can finish whatever it is tomorrow. You can do more tomorrow. But we must have a balance with being a mom, wife, and human. Give yourself grace.

Tip 8: Spend time writing down what your priorities are.

My final tip was really helpful in my own journey. If you feel overwhelmed, chances are that you are not clear to yourself and others what your priorities are. Do your prioritize alone time to pursue passions of hobbies, or maybe it is important to you to have a clean and organized home? Do you find it more important to spend time with your children or maybe spending time once a day alone working out? What your priorities are will be different for everyone. But it is important to take time looking at your core values and making a clear list of what is important to you so that you can find some balance and make reasonable and sustainable expectations for yourself and those around you.